"Its a sadistic pleasure which keeps me happy !"
Its a very strange feeling to be in. Its a kind of feeling, its a moment of joy, its a moment of sadness, its the thought of my existence in this world, its a lot more that I can explain, when I am neither happy, nor I want to be happy. I don't know where it comes from, when does it start, what is the reason behind it, what it may lead me into or why it happens to me, but I don't try to come out of it. I don't do anything to get this feeling nor I do anything great to get out of it.
I think that when we try to achieve something and we don't get it, then we are not left with any feelings to express. Many a times we may achieve what we wanted, then too, we get into this mode of sadistic pleasure. When we utilize most our energy to achieve something, then it really does not matter whether you achieve that or not. There are two conditions which arise after you have put in your toe, elbow and head to achieve something. The two conditions are that either you achieve it, or you don't achieve it.
If you achieve it, then well and good. Its okay, because that is what you were working for and that is what you thought when you started to work for it. You knew that it is going to happen to you, so you tend to get into a mode when you are happy for what you have achieved, but also sad as to why you did not make a bigger goal than what you have achieved. There are many reasons to be not so happy about it, but only one reason to be happy for it.
If you don't achieve it, then there is no need to be happy, because you tried and you didn't get it. So now, either you are completely broken and set even higher goals for yourself or you are completely broken and make a decision of not to try again in your whole life. Even if you do try again then you have enough explanations to explain yourself of not to try something like that again. In any case you will never get what you will want. Hence you tend to be not so sad about your failure, because you have somehow convinced yourself that you will never try again.
Its January 5, 2013, 0239 hours and its a sadistic pleasure which is pushing me to go a extra mile.
GOD BLESS . . .